


futile devices

by rosasdeesperanca



Series: song series [2]
Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Charles Xavier has a Ph.D in Adorable, Erik Has Feelings, Erik is a Sweetheart, M/M, Very brief mention of child abuse, they are idiots in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-30 18:12:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19408657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosasdeesperanca/pseuds/rosasdeesperanca
Summary: Erik has been in love with his best friend for years until he reaches the point where he cannot handle his own feelings(inspired by futile devices by sufjan stevens)





	futile devices

Erik had known Charles for years now. Five to be exact. They had met when Charles was seventeen and he was nineteen. Charles was already in college when he just got in, he didn’t use the word genius but Erik wasn’t afraid to say it. Now that he was twenty four and Charles was going to be twenty two they both graduated. Charles was working on his PhD and wanted to become a professor in genetics (which Erik knew he would be in just a few years) And when it came to Erik he wanted to go back to Germany, find a job there and see his mother more often because he missed her a lot, more than he could ever tell. 

But there was Charles and leaving for Germany meant leaving him and Erik wasn’t quite ready for that. They were best friends and will always be, no matter the distance that separated them. But that wasn’t the problem, Erik wasn’t sure he was able to remain far away from Charles. He would miss seeing him every week, most time every day. He would miss bringing food to his flat when he forgot to eat, making him tea or hearing him read his thesis. He wasn’t sure he was ready to live without that. Him, the person that barely got attached to anyone, got seriously attached to this 5’7 boy with big blue eyes. Charles was everything Erik knew he wasn’t. Warm, kind and too hopeful and selfless for his own good. Erik never thought someone like him existed in the world. He never thought he would care so much for someone. The only person he ever truly loved was his mother and when she got to meet Charles it was like his two worlds meeting, his heart exploding with love. 

When Erik was twenty one his mother decided to invite Charles for the summer, which he promptly accepted. They spent a month in their polish countryside house, riding their bikes, reading, bathing in the river and laughing more than Erik thought he would in a lifetime. He didn’t remember a time when he was this happy. That’s when he realised he was in love with Charles. It took him two years, getting to Poland and quiet joy but he did notice and nothing was quite the same for him afterwards. 

It was constant peace and suffering at the same time. He was with Charles all the time and he knew they were friends and that their bond was important for the both of them yet he also knew they didn’t feel the same way. Charles was flirting a lot, not that Erik knew what he did with those girls because they never came home with him when Erik was there. Erik always slept on his couch and probably out of respect Charles never brought any of them with him. Erik didn’t know much, he knew Charles wasn’t dating anyone. He mostly didn’t have time, always studying and working hard for his second Ph.D. And Charles never told him anything. He got to learn as years passed that Charles was more secretive than he seemed. It took Erik years to know that both his parents died and that he had been abused for years. It even took years for Erik to know Charles was rich, properly rich like millions in your bank account rich. Usually, Erik hated these kind of people, conceited and born from old money. But Charles was not like that, he didn’t care wherever you had money or not, he never bragged about it or treated anyone differently. In fact, almost no one knew about how loaded he truly was. He was working hard for the things he wanted, he was privileged but not blind to others’ struggles. And what Erik loved about him is that he understood how it felt to be different, to be a mutant. To grow up as an outcast. Erik firmly believed they were superior to the humans even though Charles told him again and again that they weren’t so different. Erik knew humans would never accept them. That in the end, they would try to erase mutant kind. 

On a Thursday, Erik got to Charles’ flat, he knocked but he didn’t answer or opened the door so he used his power to get in and closed the door after him. He found Charles asleep on his desk, a half finished cup of tea within arm’s reach and a pen still in his hand. He looked exhausted yet so peaceful like that, Erik was looking at him fondly before he decided to wake him up ruffling his hair softly. He knew he was letting himself act like a boyfriend too much. That you weren’t supposed to put blankets over your drunk and sleepy best friend at night or not supposed to look at him with longing when he wasn’t looking. But loving someone in silence for two years made you unable to hide some things. Erik wasn’t comfortable with the idea of losing self control. And the worst thing is that Charles acted more and more like a boyfriend too. 

When he woke up he made a noise that sounded almost human and then smiled at Erik. And he could almost pretend this smile meant he needed to be with him as much as he did. 

“What time is it?” Charles said still sleepily. 

“Three pm. Fell asleep on your papers again? You’re overworking yourself, I already told you that.” Erik’s tone was firm, he knew that he wasn’t sleeping and barely eating. 

“I know, I know...but you know I’m finishing my thesis and I want it to be perfect. It’s just a few days to go.” 

“Did you even sleep last night?” He sounded so much like his mother, it almost struck him. 

“For two hours, yes.” 

Erik rolled his eyes “Charles, we’ve already talked about this. You can’t treat your body and mind like this every time. You got to take care of yourself.”

Charles smiled affectionately “I’d say you act like a mother but my own mother never cared about how many hours I slept or how well I felt.”

“I know that. That’s why I’m here to remind you, you need your eight hours of sleep and three decent meals each day. And no, tea and something way too sugary is not a decent meal.”

“Yes, personal life coach. I was going to take a break anyway. Have some tea and something way too sugary with me?” 

“Tea. Not these cakes, I don’t want to die at 30.”

“Suit yourself!” Charles said as he went to the kitchen to make tea. 

When he came out with two cups for them, they drank in comfortable silence as Charles was almost falling asleep again. Erik knew he was acting like a mother hen but couldn’t seem to care “Charles, you need to sleep. Take a nap, please. In fact take as many hours you can get. You can’t go on like this.”

“I’d take a nap.” Charles pondered “But only if you stay with me.” 

Erik almost fell off his chair “You want me to go to sleep with you?”

“Yes, we slept close to each other all the time when we went on vacations together. I sleep better when you’re near. And you want me to sleep right?”

“I-I do, yes.” He stuttered. 

“Take off your shoes and let’s go then.” His tone was joyful. 

So easy, it was so easy for him. Not like Erik was dying inside at the idea of being so close yet so far to what he wanted most. But he never refused anything to Charles and he really wanted him to sleep so he accepted, took off his shoes and followed Charles to his bedroom. Charles was already on the bed, smiling at Erik like they did that every day, like it was something usual and it broke Erik’s heart, so hard, he thought it might never heal. But he still lied down and said with his heart seemingly closer to his throat than it had ever been “Sleep now.” 

“Yes, sir.” Charles whispered as he got closer to Erik, snuggling but Erik just froze. 

“You said sleeping not cuddling.” He tried to be firm but his voice was shaking. 

“What? Is it damaging your masculinity?”

Trust him to find the only problem Erik wasn’t dealing with “No! It’s just...ugh I should probably go.”

“Please Erik, would you be so kind as to explain yourself for once instead of leaving?” 

Erik sat on the bed, his head in his hands “I don’t think I want to have this conversation right now or ever to be honest.”

“Well it’s not only about what you want, is it? You’re acting like I’m going to molest you. We’re close, have always been. What’s the matter?” 

“Perhaps, we shouldn’t be so close.” Erik couldn’t believe he just said that. It wasn’t the problem, he knew it and he was definitely trying to hide the issue under the rug but he just couldn’t say it and make things awkward between them. Charles just went silent, looking wrecked which broke Erik’s heart even more. He was so bad at handling these kind of things. Charles went under the covers, hid his head partly as he told Erik he was tired and they should talk about this later. Erik knew he should’ve apologized, hugged him, told him anything but he just left. 

Five days later, Erik had barely seen Charles. He knew he was working a lot but he also knew they were both avoiding each other. Erik properly understood how weak he was when he subtly asked Raven how Charles was doing and she reminded him that a) he wasn’t subtle at all and b) Charles was miserable and he had to make it better or he would get his ass beaten. Erik trusted her to keep her promise. 

The next day Erik went to Charles’ flat. The first words he pronounced were “I’m sorry.” And when Charles asked him why, he didn’t really know but he knew he regretted one thing “Hurting you.” 

Charles smiled sadly at him. “I know you didn’t want to hurt me, Erik. I would like to know why you acted like this the other day.” 

Oh, straight to business, Erik thought. Of course, he’d had to explain himself. “I-I don’t know. I wasn’t...comfortable I guess. We don’t usually do that.” 

Charles looked thoughtful “I know but I thought we were past that. I mean we’re pretty close you and I. I didn’t think this was a problem. Maybe you want us to distance each o-“

“No!” Erik interrupted Charles before he could even finish his sentence. 

“Well I don’t know, Erik. You’re rather strange with me lately. You don’t want us to be close, you don’t want us to be apart. It’s rather infuriating. I don’t know what to think anymore.” 

“I know, I’m acting weird. I know I should do better. But I don’t know if I’m able to say it.”

“Say what, Erik?” Charles looked absolutely confused as he should “Please, tell me. You can tell me anything, you know that right?” 

Charles talked to him softly, was rubbing his back in a soothing motion. But Erik was panicking. Truly panicking. How was he going to you put five years of repressed feelings and pining into words? How did you tell your best friend you wanted to be with him but knew you couldn’t? Erik didn’t have answers but he would have to figure out. 

“I-I...have feelings for you. I mean, romantic feelings. The strong kind. I have known for years, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I understand if you don’t want to be around me as much now that you know.”

Charles gaped at first but his expression turned soft quickly and he said in an almost whisper “Why would I want to distance myself from you?”

It took a moment for Erik not to stutter “Well, because it would probably be awkward to be around someone who likes you that way.”

“You never thought that perhaps I liked you back?” 

Erik bowed his head as he said “No.”

“I do.” Charles said with perfect sincerity.

“You do?” Erik uttered in disbelief. 

“Hm hm. I tried to show you. Multiple times in fact, I’m not that great apparently.” 

Erik thought about what it meant each time Charles tried to get closer to him. And every time it seemed like rejection. He knew about Charles’ family and the way he didn’t have friends until later in his life and how he must’ve felt Erik didn’t want to be close to him at all. And it hurt him to think he did hurt Charles.  
“I’m really sorry if you ever thought I was rejecting you. I just didn’t know how to act recently.”

“I know you, Erik. I knew it wasn’t rejection, I felt something but I didn’t know how you felt I never try to peak inside your mind for my own interest. Sometimes you just feel like something I can’t quite describe. And I thought that perhaps we felt the same way, I was right?” His voice was so hopeful, it tore through Erik’s heart. 

“You were. I always felt like this, I just didn’t know about it for some time and of course it only grew as the years passed by and I grew more scared. I always pride myself on fearing nothing but I was scared of you not feeling like I did and us growing apart because of it.”

“I understand. I had some doubts myself. Do you want us to be something, I mean something romantic?”

“Of course, I do.” Erik said with no hesitation. Smiling, so much that it hurt. 

“Fantastic!” He said excitedly, the same sound Erik had heard many times when Charles found an answer “It’s well...I didn’t think we would go there. Where do we start?” 

“There.” Erik answered as he pulled Charles closer to him and kissed him like he had wanted for the last three years. It became messy really fast and both were out of breath. But somehow it felt better than anything Erik ever imagined. Charles’ lips softer, his perfume smelled like heaven, his hair felt like silk. Everything was perfect right this instant. And Erik thought that now, it would be his daily life. Not something he thought about shamefully in the middle of class or work. Not him being jealous over anyone Charles flirted with. Not any of it but this. As long as he could imagine doing so. 

It was Charles who stopped the kiss to say with a small laugh “That’s a good start.” 

Erik only nodded “It truly is. I think we should take this nap, now. With nothing between us, I want to do better this time. And you need the sleep. Did you even sleep this week?”

Charles made a grimace “Ten hours since I last saw you, perhaps.”

Erik put his hands on his hips “That’s not good at all. We’re sleeping and then we get a proper meal. I’m going to take better care of you.”

“I’m not a damsel in distress, Erik.” Charles rolled his eyes. 

“Well you certainly act like one” Erik mocked. 

Which got his arm to be hit but he only laughed in response and took him into his arms.

“Let’s get you to sleep, Disney princess.” Erik said joyfully as he carried Charles bridal style to his bedroom. 

“I’ll let it pass because you’re cute and you have a nice smile.” Charles said sleepily, holding Erik closer. 

Erik laughed softly “You’re the only person who thinks I have a nice smile, Charles. It scares everyone else.”

“That’s not true.” Charles argued “Your mother thinks so too, and no one’s opinions matter to you except ours.” 

“You’re right.” Erik confirmed as he kissed Charles’ forehead. 

“You’ll hold me this time, right?” Charles mumbled, being vulnerable like Erik barely saw him. 

“I will not let you go this time.” Erik whispered as he dropped Charles on his bed and tucked him into the covers. Then he slipped into the bed and held Charles as close as he promised, his heart overflowing with love for him, jumping out of his chest. Charles snuggled and murmured happily. 

“Erik? He asked softly 

“Yes?” 

“Do you love me?” He almost whispered. 

Erik to his surprise didn’t hesitate a second when he said “I do love you.”

“I love you too. I think I always did.” 

Erik smiled with everything he had, hurting with how happy he was. 

“I truly hope you’re going to remember this.” His insecurity made him say. 

“I’m tired, Erik. Not drugged. I will remember what you just said, forever. I know what it meant to you, to say these words. And it means just as much to me that you did, that we both did.”

“I will remember too. Now sleep, we’ll talk when you will get a decent amount of sleep and I won’t have to worry about you. Too much.”

“Yes, love.”

Charles soon fell asleep to the sound of Erik’s heartbeat. As Erik watched him with probably the sappiest expression, one that he would definitely mock on someone else but something that felt like it was always there when it came to Charles. Something he had inside all along. So when he fell asleep, he felt at peace for the first time in forever.


End file.
